The Girl with Yellow Shoes

Dear Granma,

13 100.

That’s my new favourite number- because it’s the number of days I had with you.

To wake up in the world every morning and then remember you are not in it is a feeling I’m not sure I’d ever get used to. And that’s okay. I’m okay with that.

Of course, I would love to see you one more time and call you Miss Merlyn one more time. I’d love for you to hug me and hold my hand again. And that’s normal because I love you and you’re not here. But it’s selfish of me because I know you had pain. I know how hard it was for you to walk down the stairs some mornings. I know how much your back would hurt on some days. And I know that you were tired- you worked so hard your entire life. And that’s why, as much as I wish I could have forever with you, I don’t want to be selfish granma.

I want to be grateful.

I’m so grateful that you were so selfless. After you raised two girls into adulthood and you could have relaxed a bit, you decided that you’d do it all over again with Sherise and me. And the second time around Miss Merlz, you outdid yourself inno- more grace, more love, more patience, more understanding, more gentleness. We never felt unwanted or felt like we burdened you because you always made us feel like raising us was the best thing you did in your life.

I’m so grateful that you were always in the room next door when we were growing up. I know a lot of my friends used to go and spend holidays by their grandparents. I just had to open the door because you were in the next room. I mean, that was probably not always the best thing for you because we’d bawl out Granma every time current went. Worse yet, we know I used to get bad dreams often, so I would come and kneel down by your bed and shake your hand to wake you up so that Granpy could jharay me. But you never complained.

I’m so grateful that you took us places. Do you remember the time me, you, Sherise and Granpy went to Grenada for a week because Granpy had to work? We used to spend the morning watching Blue’s Clues and Teletubbies and we’d go beach when Granpy came home on the evening. It was the best vacation- and I hope that I was able to give you great vacations too in your older days.

I’m so grateful that you made our house feel like a home. You made sure home always felt like a safe place and somewhere we wanted to be. It felt like a warm hug and cup of tea on a cold day. You taught mommy well. Yes, we have potholes the size of craters in our chests due to your absence, but our house still feels like a home.

I’m so grateful that you told us your stories. I know we heard the same stories so many times that we can tell them ourselves- but each story taught us your strength, sacrifice, the importance of working hard, of being prayerful, honest and good. Each story, each anecdote, every part of you showed us how to live, how to be good people and how to have a good life.

I’m so grateful that you were kind- to everyone. Well except Shah Rukh Khan eh. Every time you hear how much I love him, you used to say you find his nose too big and he ugly. But you had loved Amitabh Bachchan eh and I doh understand that. Anyway, you were kind. You opened your home and your heart to everyone. You always offered food and drink to anyone who came by. Your advice was free and plentiful to anyone and every one whether they wanted to listen or not.

I’m so grateful you were so many things to so many people. I know you used to want us to tell you all the people who said Happy Birthday to you on Facebook. So, let me tell you something Merlyn- so so many people messaged me to tell me that you were such a good woman and to extend their condolences. Even more people came up to me over the past few days feeling your absence but remembering your presence because you were such a good lady. They’re wrong though. You weren’t a good lady. You were the best lady, grams.

I’m so grateful you prayed for me, for us. I know you used to say that you didn’t want to leave us until you knew we were good. But you can rest easy grams. The prayers you prayed for us will carry us through the rest of our days simply because they were pure and genuine- they came from you after all. So, we’d be good lady- you’re watching over us inno, what could be better than that?

I could probably list 13 100 more reasons why I am grateful for you inno lady. But I’m most grateful that you loved me. And it’s not just because I was your favourite inno, you just loved me. From the day I was born, you decided you loved me. You didn’t know how I would have turned out, the type of person I’d become, you just loved me. And until the day you died you loved me. Being your favourite was a bonus I didn’t need, but I’d always gloat about. I’m just grateful that I was loved by you. I hope I made you proud.

More than anything Granma, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not teaching me how to be a good person but for being one every day of your life so that I would know what it looks like. Thank you for loving me so much that I would know to never settle for less. Thank you for protecting me from the day I was born until the day you died- a mother’s love and a grandmother’s heart would do nothing else. Thank you for 13 100 days- they were, by far and wide, the best days of my life. I’m so thankful that out of the billions of people in the world, God chose you to be my granma- so it’s really a privilege to miss you for the rest of my days.

I love you. You fought a good fight. Rest easy now, Merlyn.

Oh, and one more thing granma before I go,

Being your granddaughter will always be the greatest honour of my life.