The Girl with Yellow Shoes

Today was the first day of school. A decade ago, had you asked me about what I did, I would have told you that I wanted to go to school for the rest of my life. I would have told you that I would climb every ladder of education possible to be able to wake up each day and go to school. I would have said that when I retire, it would be as a principal.

Ask me two decades ago and I would have said the very same thing.

For as long as I could remember, my little girl’s dream was to be a teacher when I became a big girl. I was all in, all the time. Teachers get vacation so in those periods I would be everything else- but at my core, I was going to be a teacher.

I held on, latched on, wore that dream like a life vest even. And I fought to become one. When the men in my house would have preferred me to be an engineer or some acceptable “brown people” job, I was like nah. Not happening.

When it did happen for me, twelve years ago, I woke up every day absolutely loving my job. I was proud to say I am a teacher. I was proud to say I wanted to teach for the rest of my life- because, each time I did, it felt like the little girl in me felt proud that we manifested this dream. Little girl and big girl were damn proud.

I don’t know when it changed.

Don’t get me wrong. I still absolutely love my job. I am still so proud to say I’m a teacher.

But, I don’t want to teach for the rest of my life anymore.

At first, I kept it to myself because I really thought that it was a phase- a lil rough patch and I’d get over it. I also didn’t want to tell people because I feared that I would be misunderstood. Just because I didn’t want to do it for the rest of my life didn’t mean that I didn’t love it anymore. It didn’t mean that I don’t care. It certainly doesn’t mean that I do the bare minimum because we all know the ‘e’ in my name really means extra.

When I realized it wasn’t a rough patch, I started to share my thoughts with my nearest and dearest- not that I wanted an opinion. I shared because we all deserve honesty. Well, who tell me to do that? Honesty is the best policy but not the best reactions. Look at me now, explaining and re-explaining the why and the why not. And it really felt like I disappointed them.

Most of all, I felt like I disappointed little girl me. I mean I had two lifelong dreams inno- to meet Shah Rukh Khan and become a teacher- and here I am wanting to give up the one dream that did happen. That thought used to make me feel sad.

Sometimes, I’d feel ungrateful too. Here I am making my childhood dreams a reality and other people struggling with theirs- wishing to be in my position.

It took me a couple years to get to a point where I can pen these thoughts without feeling disappointed, sad or ungrateful. To be honest though, they bubble up sometimes. I guess they always will.

But here’s what, I should be proud right? Proud that I had the courage to recognize that the dreams I once had changed. If I have changed as a person, it’s okay for my dreams to have changed as well. I should be proud that I was brave enough to admit that I could no longer see myself doing this for as long as I once thought. I should be proud that I can embrace my truth so that I can manifest new dreams.

I realized too that I shouldn’t be sad. I should be happy that I still make the most of the opportunity that I have. Maybe even more so knowing that I’m not gonna be doing it everyday for the rest of my life. Little girl me should be happy for big girl me- for the opportunity to dream new dreams and live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling.

Most of all, little girl me and I should be grateful that I did get to manifest our dream (and for as long as we have). Grateful too that we showed up every day and always gave one hundred. And we gonna keep showing up and giving it one hundred until it’s our last day of school.