The Girl with Yellow Shoes

Flashback to 10 years ago:

I stand. I cross the stage. My grandparents are somewhere in the stands. My mom and sister are probably watching the livestream on YouTube. I am here because of them. There are so many things I want to do to repay them. I need to make them proud.

Flashback to under 2 months ago:

I sit. In a chair. In my bathroom. Fully clothed. The shower is on. Cold water is falling on me. I am crying. I can see my hands but I cannot feel them. I can see my feet but I’m losing all sensations in them as well. I am Covid positive. I am scared. There are so many things I need to do. I didn’t yet make them proud.

Flashback to a month ago:

My grandpa is Covid positive. I dread going to work. I dread every vibration of my phone. I dread coming home. Some days are good days. On these days, I pray to God that he gets better. Most days are not good days. On these days, I pray to God that I have the strength. Strength to deal with whatever comes my way. But I think: There are so many things I need to do. I need to make him proud.

When I think about the last few months especially, I feel like I am a West Indian fan watching them play. With every play that restores some hope, there’s an over of pure mayhem that snatches it all away.

And in the last few months, I have learnt two things:

1. I need to practice more empathy for West Indian fans for their road is never easy.
2. Life will force you to stop and reflect.

Since now is not a good time for the former seeing that their World Cup showing seemed like they wanted a paid vacation, I can talk about the latter.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the slow lane of traffic and I’m just watching the other cars pass me by. Some days, when I feel like that, I don’t mind much because I’m probably blasting out some General Imran chutney song (don’t judge). Other days, when I feel like that, I mind because the music that’s on is something along the lines of Foo Fighters, ‘Best of me’.

If I were to indulge in a contemplation upon flowers and reflect on what a ten-year younger kid would imagine today to look like, I guess I’d be telling life this: I’ve got another confession to make, I’m your fool. Everyone’s got their chains to break, holdin’ you.

And it’s not like I’m upset with the trajectory that my life has taken. Not at all. It’s just that, sometimes I feel like I might have let my younger self down. And maybe I didn’t try hard enough to achieve what she would have wanted at this age- which would obviously have been the cookie cutter, white picket fence #lifegoals that society encourages us to think is normal.

But a deeper contemplation upon flowers would make me realize that the only normal thing should be understanding that nothing about cookie cutter, white picket fence #lifegoals is normal. I mean, my favourite color is yellow for crying out loud. Not white. And I don’t even like cookies. I like chocolate cake, with chocolate sprinkles and if there’s chocolate chips in it, better yet.

So today, although it’s rainy, and we’re probably all stuck in traffic, let’s crank up the volume on the General Imran songs ‘before it’s too late and we never, have a chance to see each other, lewwe have a drink together.’

Well maybe you should park up on the side of the road and scroll through some of the things that I’m so happy that I can reflect upon ten years later:

• Your qualifications may get you hired but who you are determines if you get fired.

A degree is just a piece of paper with writing on it that you cannot laminate. In the grand scheme of things, it will only show that you’re capable- capable of reading for a degree or whatever the successful application form will say. Once hired, you don’t walk around with your degree everywhere you go, but you sure as hell walk around with your attitude, your approach to problems, your humility and willingness to learn. Invest your time and focus on these skills. 

• Do your blood tests. Check your cholesterol. Eat your green leafy vegetables. Salads are good for you. Mushrooms are yummy.
• Even if it may be unpopular, find something that you love to do and always make some time to do it.

I never thought that I would be one to leave my house in the dark and head into Port-of-Spain. Nah. That was never a life I envisioned for myself. But here I am, doing what I gotta do. And it takes a toll. I’m human. But you see Shah Rukh Khan? Man, I could watch a snippet of one of my favourite movies and I could feel my energy bar raising at the same speed the price on the gas pump raises when I go to fill my tank.

• High quality people come in small quantities.

Hear nah, real talk here. You know that saying, when you hit rock bottom, then you know who is for you? BELIEVE THAT. When people show you their true colors, raise the contrast, adjust the brightness and show them up for who they really are. Then delete the image. Meanwhile, favourite the images with the realest- for they don’t come around often.

• Stand. Up. For. Yourself.

Don’t allow people to make you feel bad about yourself. Chances are, you probably do a good job of that all on your own. Kidding, not kidding (love yourself oki). Stop taking things from people that you do not deserve. Walk away. Cuss. Cry. Hit them a blue tick. Block and delete if you want. And be unapologetic about it. Nobody, and I mean, NOBODY, should be given the power to make you feel like you have no power.

• Cry.

Ugly cry if you want. Crying is not a sign of weakness. According to Harvard health, researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids known as endorphins. Endorphins are feel-good chemicals which help ease both physical and emotional pain. So doh be up here telling me, ‘shush, don’t cry.’ If I bother you, hand me a napkin and move.

• When you get your first paycheck from a new job or whatever, buy a meal for your loved ones.
• Be grateful.

I’m not even going to say that someone out there has it worst than you. That’s honestly not a reason to be grateful. Be grateful because YOU could have it worse than YOU but you don’t. Miss me with the self-pity eh. Allow yourself to wallow every now and then but wallowing is like driving in a pothole in Trinidad- easy to go down in but hard to come out of.

• Stay humble.

Ain’t none of us better than the other. Some of us may have obtained a higher level of education than others. Or we may drive a fancier car. Some probably have more digits in their bank account than others. But ain’t none of us out here better than the other. Stay woke. Stay humble. Ain’t nothing out here permanent.

• Your time will come.

To measure yourself using the yardstick of others is one of the greatest injustices you can do to yourself. We all stuck in some traffic, many of us with the same destination, but the vehicles we drive are different, the amount of gas we have in our tanks vary and the music we listen to are wide ranging. While we may take the same route, with the same end point, the factors affecting the journey are different. So wind up your glass, mind your business, eyes in front and we will all get where we need to be.